Co-fucking-mmercials

[Orgazmo]

I understand that they have to exist to pay for programming. I'm certainly not going to flip the bill for WGN to show a Will & Grace marathon. No sane human being is (not to say that any sane human being is going to watch that show in the first place...but that's a rant for another day). So we have to have advertisements. We have to have our scheduled programs interrupted 4 times, 8 total minutes, for each 30 minutes of television.

What's that, Lassie? ~Thirty percent of airtime is dedicated to advertising something that I already knew existed? Something that I already decided had absolutely no purpose in my life? ~Thirty percent of my television viewing is trying to convince me that I'm wrong? That first impressions don't count? That I need to re-e-fucking-valuate my life decisions?

<Lassie> You're god damn right, Gaz. That's exactly what I'm telling you!

That sucks. Oh well, there's really nothing I can do about it. Right? Right???

<Lassie> Right...but some of these commercials are pieces of fucking shit. I swear to fuck that an untrained ape could come up with a better way to advertise a product than half of these shitfisting fucking commercials that we see today. To fuck I swear!

You're right, Lassie...and I'll be dipped in shit, cut deeply in the forearm with dull butter knife, and subsequently fucked in said wound by a large black man if I'm going to idly stand by while dumb cunts continue to air complete shit during the 8/30 minutes that they've purchased.

Here's the worst part: For every piece of bloodcum commercial that you see...for every commercial which makes you question your affiliation with a species that could even think about airing such a shit-heap...for every single fucking one of those moments...there is a group of marketing geniuses sitting around a large fucking table, getting paid a million fucking dollars/year, discussing these awful fucking ideas amongst themselves. After they discuss it, they propose it to their boss. Their fucking boss. Surely a man who is in charge of a large company's advertising division would have a head which isn't lodged firmly in his own ass...right? Right? Wrong.

Whenever I see a shitty commercial, I immediately become irate. There's some shithead being paid millions for having awful fucking ideas acted out on my television. Well fuck that guy...and, if you disagree, fuck you too.

I'm done ranting. Now I'm going to take some time to share with you some awful fucking commercials. LET IT BE KNOWN that these are commercials that I'm viewing right now. I didn't have an archive of shitty commercials laying around that I'm digging up for this rant. I'm watching Conan O'Brien and, while it's on break, I'm posting the details of a few shitty commercials. Simple enough.

While you're reading through these...don't forget that these things aren't just some fucker's awful idea that he put on the air. It's a big fucking group of people sitting around a table...talking about a person's idea...modifying his or her (probably her) terrible idea into what they think is a masterpiece. It's them proposing their idea to a higher power...and the higher power telling them it's a wonderful idea. It's all of them being paid a lot of fucking cash. For their fucking terrible idea. An idea which I could easily outshine with a few seconds of though. Put me at that marketing table. Let me in on that discussion and watch sales rise. Do it, bitch. Do it.

Product: Febreze
Rundown: The commercials starts off showing a guy...in his house...looking at the ceiling...sniffing. It then cuts to a bitch...looking at the ceiling...sniffing. After this, it shows the dude walking a few steps...and then sniffing. It then goes back to the bitch...who walks a bit...and then sniffs again. Pretty soon, they're together, sniffing. After this, one of the two (probably the bitch again) grabs some febreze and sprays it. Then they both smell the air. The commercial then tells you to buy febreze.
Shittiness: Really fucking high. Fuck you. You're fucking smelling the air? Fuck that and fuck you for wasting 30 seconds of my life. Cock fuck and sex. Seriously, sniffing the air? You must be shitting me. You just must be.
Possible improvements: Start the commercial the same way. Fuck it, make the entire commercial the exact same thing...except for the end. At the end, I open the door and light a match. The lightning of my match starts an entire sequence which is like a flashback. It shows me breaking onto the commrecial set a few hours before the cast and crew got there. It shows me dumping the febreze out of the bottle and replacing it with gasoline. It shows me putting everything back to normal...and it shows me leaving. Unflashback to now. I light the match and throw it at the poor fuckers as they spray the fuck out of all of their fucking possessions with their gasoline febreze. It shows them, alongside all of their worldly possessions, being lit a'blaze. It shows the bitch running out of the house on fire...falling at my feet as I laugh at her. She's on the ground in front of me...pleading for me to put her fire out (I'm drinking a nice glass of water, it would appear she wants me to pour it on her). I tell her I'll do what I can. It's at this point that I pull my cock out and begin to piss on her. Normally this would thought to be helpful...but, at this point in the commercial, it's exposed that I have flammable urine. As I piss, the flames (much like her screams) simply increase in intensity. Before you know it, she's dead. She's fucking dead...and I'm smiling. (You may be wondering how the fire didn't travel up my stream of flammable urine to my penis. The answer: it did travel up the line of urine. Luckily I have a fireproof cock).

Product: Whitecastle Chicken Rings (They're like onion rings...but chicken...instead of onion!!)
Rundown: There's a dude and a bitch watching tv. Their phone starts to ring...and the bitch looks to the dude to go to the kitchen to answer it (like the dude would ever fucking let the bitch tell him what to do anyway). Of course, the bitch ends up going to get the phone. While she's gone, the dude reaches under his ass and pulls out the cordless phone...which he uses to extend his reach to steal some of the bitch's chicken rings. What happens after this doesn't matter. What's the moral of this fucking story? The fucking moral is that the dumb bitch didn't realize that the dude's ass was ringing. How in the name of cock and shit can someone completely disregard a ringing sound coming from their spous;s ass? Did she think it was a coincidence that her husband was ringing the same time that the kitchen phone was ringing? If that is the fact, she deserved to have her chicken rings eaten. The bitch deserved it.
Improvements: The commercials starts off with these two guys, normal fucking guys, going to whitecastle. They each order chicken rings and are immediately served...with a fucking smile. After they get the food, they go to the mall or something. They're walking around the mall eating these chicken rings when, all of a sudden, a ton of bitches start talking to them. Hot bitches. At this point, the two dudes get sucked off like 3 times each by really hot bitches. While they each the chicken rings.

Alright, I'm tired...so I'm going to stop there. I highly encourage you to post your own commercials. Trust me...they're not too tough to find. If you watch...they will come.

There is rarely an ineffective commercial. Before criticizing the creaters of these commercials you should research how much they affected product sales, and you would realize that any form of product exposure (with few exceptsions) increases sales. These two commercials are particularily witty without being obnoxious... a golden formula for a marketer. Commercials were not made for your enjoyment.

[Orgazmo]

I'm not saying that the commercials weren't effective. I'm sure they helped because, as you said, exposure is really the key here.

What I am saying is that the commercials could at least try to not be complete pieces of shit.

They're not here for my entertainment. That's fine. If they were here for my entertainment, though, they would be doing a hell of a lot better job. Commercials that I like...that I actually enjoy watching...are commercials that drive their product home. Examples? The Emerald Nuts commercials. They're simple...yet they provide great variety and give a good laugh. It's a great fucking mix for a commercial.

The two commercials I gave as examples are witty? Evidently we have differing ideas of wittiness. I don't find two people walking around their house 'sniffing' to be particularly witty. I do, on the other hand, find the shittiness of the idea to be obnoxious. A commercial that would be more effective is simply showing a febreze bottle on a white background with text underneath reading, "If you have anything that smells like ass, spray it with this stuff." Not entertaining...but I'd argue that 0 entertainment value is better than negative entertainment value.

My closing comments: I'm not criticizing the creators for making ineffective commercials. I'm not even saying that they're ineffective.. I am saying that they're shitty. They're oftentimes stupid to the point of obnoxiousness...and, in a few cases that I've seen recently, don't even show the fucking product that they're advertising save a small logo in the corner of the screen in the closing seconds.

If you want to criticize a commercial for being shitty, feel free to do so. That's why this thread is here. To criticize shitty commercials.

Damn I love those Emerald Nuts commercials.

[Niger Angelus]

This is such as good thread.

[StabMaster Arson]

the best co-fucking-mmercial I've seen in a long time... it's for some german soda
click "ads"

[Orgazmo]

Hehe, not bad a'tall.

[Mr. Blonde]

<font size="20">ASSHOLE!!!</font>

[ November 04, 2004, 08:27 PM: Message edited by: Mr. Blonde ]