Classic Porn Review Thread

[angry pancake]

This thread might serve some use as a place for old time porn film review. The movies were much different back then from today's offerings and quite frankly, a lot more lacking in action. That said AP hopes to keep has worth more from a historical perspective than anything else. AP's contributions to this thread will be safe for work.

Back in the early days of public showing in theaters, the sex to non-sex ration was astronomically low. One theory for this factor was that obscenity had not really been defined yet. So there was some attempt to make a main stream movie that just happened to have some fucking going on.

Probably one of the best adult films from this time in the opinion of AP is "The Opening of Misty Beethoven." http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0075018/ Starring Constance Money who only made two films, retired, then un-retired for one more. An objectively hot 19 year old bitch for her time. She was considered by many to be one of the best looking models of her day. The film was shot partially in Paris, Rome and San Francisco and had a fairly big budget. Many of the actors could actually, act. After listening to the director's cuts from several of these from this era. The claim is that a lot of the male actors started out as stage formally trained actors or actors who were struggling and needed a little extra cash. Jamie Gillis is completely competent in his lead role.

The story is one of a shitload based on roughly on George Bernard Shaw's play "Pygmalion." Gillis is a magazine publisher who is trying to find the next big thing for his adult magazine. So confident in his abilities to mold anyone into the role, he bets his friend that he can make the most unappealing into the "Goldenrod Girl." The selection is Misty Beethoven played by Money and the bulk of the film goes over transforming her from what Gillis claimed to be the most unerotic thing on the planet "a sexual civil service worker" into the complete opposite.

The movie contains great camera work. Most of the technical workers, such as lighting and sound, moonlighted from the big studios and worked under a pseudonym. It's mentioned elsewhere that the camera guys who shot the film also shot Barry Lyndon --which won the 1975 Academy Award for cinematography for John Alcott. Superior acting for a porn. Some of the sex scenes are short. And a few of the characters are fucking ugly --but that seemed to be the intent. They even seemed to pay attention to detail to the sound. Quality all around.

An exceptional Classic Porn. Not too many better than this one. Probably not the best one to rub one out to. But a very very well made adult film. One of the greatest of all time.

AP gives this a 5 out of 5. Recommended for those who want to see a well made porn.

[angry pancake]

The next classic to be reviewed is a nice little fluff piece called --"On Golden Blonde." Most of you are to young to remember the awards that "On Golden Pond" (On Golden Pond (1981) - IMDb) gathered as it was a tremendous success at the box office in 1981 starring Henry Fonda, Katherine Hepburn, Jane Fonda and a solid cast about a retired couple growing old and communicating and having a relationship with their daughter. "On Golden Pond" was nominated for about 15 academy award and won a few, including best actor (Henry Fonda) and actress (Hepburn). It's pretty much a classic.

"On Golden Blonde" from 1984 on golden blonde - porn movie - iafd.com - internet adult film database is a clever enough play on the title and that's about where similarities end. Yet, fucking crazy enough On Golden Blonde completely borrows and follows the concept of the 1978 Warren Beatty film "Heaven Can Wait" which was a remake of "Here comes Mr. Jordan." In these movies an angel/grim reaper character mistakenly pulls the hero of the movie to heaven a fraction too early to avoid the messiness of the death only to find out, the person wasn't supposed to die. But then putting the soul back into the body and finding a permanent replacement is what Heaven Can Wait/Here Comes Mr. Jordan is all about. And On Golden Blonde follows the same formula to the letter and frankly does a pretty good job.

On Golden Blonde starts with Christy Canyon waking up and finding herself at the gates. She learns of the accident and the misunderstanding and the reaper asks her to retrace her steps before death. It goes back to Canyon, who has fucking fabulous tits and ass, but her face is well. so-so, and a guy she picked up (played by Marc Wallice) at the party waking up in the morning. He wakes her up by munching on some carpet, she gives him a short BJ before they fuck in various positions with Wallice finishing of by tittyfucking Canyon. I cannot emphasize enough how awesome her tits are. These are sure the tits of god. Natural double D on her slender frame. One of the better efforts from canyon before she got all fat. Canyon goes out for a jog before taking a rest under a tree, where the correct person who was supposed to die was supposed to be, but she was basically in the wrong place at the wrong time. After explaining to Canyon that her family has already had a funeral and buried the body, returning to her own body would be impossible. So settles on a temporary substitute.

The first temp body belong to a rich prudish insufferable bitch played by the always nice looking blue eyed blonde, Ginger Lynn, who is scheduled to die the next day. We come in with Lynn tormenting her boyfriend (played by Tom Byron) for always being horney and she starts to send him home. However, Lynn's body is taken over and Lynn gives Byron a pretty good Lewinsky and Lynn gets a facial. But she's not finished. Lynn calls in her maid and a three way erupts with Byron fucking the maid (Janey Robbins) in the ass. At the end Canyon is retrieved to occupy another body, and Lynn freaks all the hell out and goes back to being a prude.

Next we find out that Gina Carrera's body get to be occupied for 3 days. She arrives just as Jamie Gillis and Peter North start fighting each other over Carrera. Carrera thinks it's easier to fuck them both at the same time. She kneels and blows them before going on her back for Gillis to fuck her mish while North pretty much seems disinterested. She then gets fucked doggy while blowing North. Gillis shoots on her back before the film cuts to Carerra by the swimming pool with Dino Alexander.

Alexander is the poolboy or somesuch and is cleaning the pool when Carerra just announces she's going to suck him off. She undresses, and then performs an act of admiration on Alexander.He them goes down on her while he stands in the water while she's on her back on the deck area. He fucks her missionary, then doggie and he finishes on her lower back, then a brief water fuck --that may have been simulated for I could tell before the reaper shows up again telling her it's time to go. Carrera dies in the pool. But our heroine escaped in time.

She then get's to occupy an archeologist who was in a coma (played by the snaggle toothed Chanel Lindsay).He fucks her doggy style in the hospital, blows him, then climbs on for some girl on top. He goes down on her before finishing up mish and giving her a cream pie. But I could be wrong on this scene as I watched the whole thing on fast forward. Lindsay just doesn't do it for me.

All in all not a bad little film for the golden age. I don't really give a shit one way or the other about Carrera and I was feeling bad for the dude who had to fuck Lindsay. Lynn is an all time great and Canyon never looked better than in this one. Some of the dialogue was clever enough to add levity to the film, especially the Lynn Byron scene where Lynn is talking to the reaper but Byron thinks she's talking to him because Byron can't see the reaper. It's situational light, but you won't bust a gut laughing. I really don't miss the days of the hairy women. I'm 100% certain I like that to be cleaned up pretty good. In 1984, the concept was not common at all.

AP gives it 3.25 Stars out of 5. Not bad, a little better than average and the non-sex stuff was actually interesting. Check it out if you want. Or I can post links to downloads.

[Mr. Blonde]

Boogie Robots-Despicable Me (2010) - YouTube

Boogie Robots-Despicable Me (2010) - YouTube