Joke of the Day

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children...
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy
by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

A chicken farmer, dissatisfied with the egg yield of his hens decided it was time for him to replace his old cockerel with a younger model.

At the shop, there where no good candidates, just burned out old roosters who where past their best. Disheartened, the farmer decided to leave. Just has he was going, he saw a wooden crate in the corner. It was bouncing about with a crowing coming from inside. He went to the shop assistant and asked "What's going on in the crate?"
The shopkeeper explained it's a very dangerous cockerel, "You don't wanna go near that crate pal. The cockerel in there will fuck anything. The bastard got me twice on the drive here, that's why I put him in the crate."
"Sounds like what I need, how much is it?" the farmer asked.
"Just take the fucker, I was going to shoot it today."
Quickly, the farmer hurried off with the crate.

The farmer arrived home just as night fell. He put the crate in the coop, leverred off the top of the crate and out hopped the cockerel. The bird instantly looked over at the farmer with obviously lustful intent. The farmer ran like fuck into his house and slammed the door shut. He found it hard to sleep that night with the sound of ecstatic chickens screaming with pleasure.

The next morning, the farmer awoke, and he quickly got dressed to inspect his new cockerel's performance. When he got outside, he was shocked. There where feathers everywhere. All his chickens where laid out, legs in the air and tongues hanging from their beaks. He would've assumed they where dead if not for the occasional sigh coming from them. But the farmer's new cockerel was nowhere to be seen.

He seached his land high and low. All his animals had the same dazed expression on their faces, legs in the air. The farmer even found a fox laid panting in the middle of a field.

The farmer followed a trail of feathers until he came upon a hill. Above the hill, vultures circled overhead. The farmer felt a cold chill in his spine. Had his prized rooster fucked himself to death? He ran up the hill towards the top, and there was his cockerel, laid lifeless and still on the floor. The farmer broke down and cried.

A few seconds later his sobbing was interrupted by the rooster tapping him on the shoulder. Shocked, the farmer looked up. The rooster quickly glanced up towards the vultures circling and whispered to the farmer "Will you fuck off? They're about to land!"

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties.

She went home and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they had a drink.

She slowly spread her legs..."Honey would you like some of this?" "Hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"

[St. Anky]

it just donned on me that a lot of our current posts have been about rotten twat...

That's why I thought the previous joke was more than fitting.

[St. Anky]

how wise you are indeed oh benevolent grandmaster sexxor!

There's an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughters room the other day and I found a packet of cigaretettes. I was really shocked as I didnt even know she smokes."

The Scotsman says, "Thats nothing, I was cleaning my daughters room the other day and found a half full bottle of vodka. I was really shocked as I didnt even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says, "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughters room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didnt even know she had a dick!!!"

[StDx]

two viagra pills walked into a bar. they sat down next to two marijuana plants who were engaged in an animated discussion. "I don't get it," one marijuana plant said to the other. "Why aren't we legal? Nodbody's being hurt by us."
One of the Viagra pills scoffed. The marijuana plant turned to him and asked,"what's your problem? Don't you think we should be legal?"
"NO," replied the viagra pill. "we're hard-on drugs."

[StDx]

-what do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

a wet nose


-how do you know it's bedtime at the rectory?

the big hand touches the little hand

Not so much a joke as much as just funny shit...and many of you may be familiar with this already, but here's the oh so classic Nantucket limerick.

There once was a boy from Nantucket,
Whose dick was so long he could suck it,
He said with a grin,
While wiping his chin,
If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it.

Wow, this joke is terribly mean. And yet I still feel compelled to post it . . .

What's worse than ass fucking a 6 year old girl?

Pulling your dick out and wiping her blood onto her favorite teddy bear.

Shit, now I'm going to hell. Son of a bitch...

[killerboarder]

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbedon board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in
the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said,
"I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

Hahaha, nice joke killer.

And mine for the day:

As President Clinton is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he has a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention and says, "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies, "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea."

The Marine again snaps to attention and replies, "Nice trade, sir."

[killerboarder]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

[killerboarder]

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I
wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife
would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present
for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will
remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling
pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said,
"Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone
had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet
knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside
and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said,
"By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we
normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two
martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she
said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to
the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said,
"Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into
something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the
bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake,
followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing
Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.

[Trout Sniffer]

A man and his wife went to the doctor's office and the doctor asked the man for a blood, urine, and feces sample.
The man was slightly deaf and said, "What?"

Again, the doctor said, "I need a blood, urine, and feces sample."

The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear:
"The doctor needs a pair of your underwear!"

Maggie lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter is constantly calling her to tell her to get back into the world.

Finally, Maggie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the country.

Their first night away, she undresses as he does.

There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night, the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that on his erection he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks,

"What's with black condom?"

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences".

A little girl said to her mom, Mommy, Why am i called Lily?? Her Mom answered by saying, Because a Lily dropped on your head when you were born.
The next little girl said to the Mom, Mommy, why am i called Rose??
Her Mom answered by saying, Because a Rose dropped on your head when you were born.
The little boy went up to the Mom and said, mrwph mrwph mrwph, the Mom shouts, Shut up Hammer!!

Two muffins are baking in an oven. The first muffin turns to the second muffin and says, "Damn! It's hot as hell in here!" The second muffin screams, "Holy shit! It's a talking muffin!"

[killerboarder]

A woman came home just in time to find her
husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she
dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.
She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a
hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going
to......to....cut it off are you?!" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in
her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the
garage on fire."

[OneHugeBastard]

This one doesn't work to well typed, it is better when told to you... oh well..

The word of the day is fascinate.
I have a jacket with 9 buttons, but i can only fascinate.

A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral sex on his wife. The woman at the front desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319.

The man walked into the room and met the lady of the evening. He told her why he was there, so she gave him a few pointers and then told him to go for it.

So, the man began performing oral sex and he was, by her reaction, pretty good at it. But something strange happened. A couple of minutes into the deed, he felt something in his mouth. He spit it into his hand and found a piece of carrot.

"Oh man, that's nasty!" he thought, but he said nothing and continued.

A couple of minutes later, he came up with a pea.

"Damn, can't take much more of this. There's something wrong with this bitch." But again, he said nothing and gave it one more shot.

A couple of minutes later, he came up with a piece of chicken. He couldn't stand it any longer.

"I can't do this anymore! I'm gonna throw up!"

"That's funny," remarked the hooker, "that's what the last guy did."

[killerboarder]

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after
being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against
the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"
"What! Are you crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.
"No! Someone might see us..."
"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you like
it."
"No! I said no!"
"Baby... don't be like that."
Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with
her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad
says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy
himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the
intercom."

When George W. Bush last went to the UN, Nagi Sabri, the Iraqi Foreign Minister, wanted to meet him for some off the record discussions.

They talked about secret stuff for a bit then Sabri said,
"There's one question my son really wants to know the answer to. You see, he likes Star Trek, and he watches all the episodes and all the films. He likes it because there are characters from all races in it - Uhuru, the Japanese guy, Russians, even aliens. It seems like every sort of person is in there. Only one thing's bothering him, there aren't any Arabs. Do you know why that is, President Bush?"

Dubya smiled his smile, bent his head to Nagi Sabris ear and said softly "That's because it's set in the future".