Joke of the Day

haha that last one was a really good one.

[OneHugeBastard]

jolly good orgazmo, jolly good.

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong??"

The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that???"

The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the... er... features...of a male and a female."

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a vagina AND a brain?"

[Ugly Bastard]

Orgazmo-

Grand fucking joke!

But what may be better than the joke, is the fact that you have passed the 500 Post Milestone.

Congratulations on this achievment.....something I'm sure we all hope to accomplish someday.

-Ugly Bastard

Whats little and green and smells like Ms. Piggy?

Kermit's Finger

Thanks UB, appreciated. Back to jokes I have a few days to make up here.

[This message has been edited by Orgazmo (edited November 14, 2002).]

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer going at it with a sheep.
The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!" The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody sharing this sheep with no one!"

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.
She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"
asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to Heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy."

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's
doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy
on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her
chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype women that way? What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being
respected at work and in the community and from reaching
our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the
blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little
shit on your knee."

A vampire goes into a bar, and asks the barman for a kettle of boiling water. That's weird, he thinks. You'd expect him to ask for blood considering all "bar" jokes are about making fun of stereotypes, but dutifully, he gets the vampire some water.

"What do you want that for anyway?" asks the barman.

The vampire takes out a used tampon from his pocket.

"I'm making some tea" he says.

Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

[buckeye]

sick fucking sick. i about lost my dinner after reading the vampire tampon joke.

That's what we like to hear

[Trout Sniffer]

I thought that joke was hilarious and I would like to give credit to Orgazmo for finding and sharing all of these great jokes. He makes our lives much more enjoyable, thanks Orgazmo.

One day, Joe was travelling on a Stockholm to London flight. A man of Arabic appearance got off the plane and my friend noticed that he had left his bag behind. He grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him in the terminal and handed him back his bag.

He was extremely grateful and reached into his bag which appeared to contain large bundles of money. He looked around to make sure nobody was looking and whispered
"I can never repay your kindness, but I will try to....with a word of advice for you: Stay away from Warsaw, Indiana."

Joe was genuinely terrified. "Is there going to be an attack?" he asked him.

"No," the brown man replied, "it's just a shit-hole..."

A dog walks into a post office to send a telegram.

"A standard telegram is seven words; that's $5." the clerk says. So the dog pays his pound, and dictates his telegram.

"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." says the dog.

While writing this down, the clerk offers, "you know, for $1 you can have another two woofs."

The dog says, "but that doesn't make any sense."

[Titan]

So this guy just bought a new motorcycle, harley davidson if you will, very classy. The guy at the shop tells him to not leave it out in the rain, but if he does, to use Vasoline to protect it (bare with me here).

So anyway, having established that, the guy with the new bike is planning on having dinner at his girlfriend's house. He goes to his girlfriend's house and she takes him to the side and tells him she has to warn him of something.
"Okay, my family is kind of strange. There is this tradition at supper where, whoever talks first, has to do the dishes. And... they're really tight about it... so don't be surprised if there isn't much conversation."
The boyfriends does think it's a bit odd, but not too strange, he can deal with it.
So they go in to eat dinner... about a half an hour passes and no one has said anything...
Now it may have been the food... or the sheer boredom, but the boyfriend starts getting all these strange ideas.
'I wonder what i could get away with...' he thinks to himself...
So he leans over, and french kisses his girlfriend.
The parents look at him with puzzled expressions on their faces, but don't say anything.
So the boyfriend decides to take a bigger risk... He grabs his girlfriend, plops her up on the table, and starts screwing her right there in front of her parents!
The parents are a bit agitated now obviously... but still... no one says anything...
The boyfriend's thinking 'what the hell is with her parents?? i just screwed their daughter right in front of them!'
So for the boyfriend's next move... he does the same thing again... with his girlfriend's younger sister. He gets done a bit quicker this time and checks to see what the parents are going to do now... surely something........
Nope. No one says a word. While the mother has a frightened look on her face, the father looks about ready to break out his shotgun on this poor guy.
'That's it.' the boyfriend thinks to himself.
He grabs his girlfriend's mom, swings her up onto the table and fucks the living crap out of her.
By this point, as you can all guess, the father literally has steam coming out of his ears, and he's about to pass out from sheer anger. But being the stubborn man that he is, refuses to say anything.

All of a sudden a huge thundering is heard outside and it starts to rain. the boyfriend thinks to himself 'oh shit! my harley's outside!'
So he whips out his jar of Vasoline and the father shouts "ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I'LL DO THE DISHES!!!"

[This message has been edited by Titan (edited November 20, 2002).]

[Jake]

Damn orgazmo where the hell do you get your jokes, they are great..

[Ugly Bastard]

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game
where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate
Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married
or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers
yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal
questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner
(with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers
those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City
of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly
the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all
went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate
Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to
Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only
please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only
please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have
said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock
this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying
for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous
hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on
hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to
this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones
ringing)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air
right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours
now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows
not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you
know the rules of 'Mate match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,
Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of
you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney
World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal.
Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to
work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to
protect his manhood. We've got one last question,

Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you
ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us
and..."

DJ: "She saw?"

Sarah: "BRIAN?!"

Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your
answer, please?"

Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you
do it?"

Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."

(long, long pause)

DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Damn orgazmo where the hell do you get your jokes, they are great..<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

If I told you that, you'd have no reason to come to this thread

To UB: WOW! That was stellar. Great fucking post.

Did you hear about the constipated mathmatician ?

He had to work it out with a pencil...

Harry died. When he was judged, he was told that he could
not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God
told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the
only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with
a 500 pound, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.

Harry decided that this was a small price to pay for an
eternity in heaven, so off he went with this enormous
woman, pretending to be happy. As he was walking along,
he saw his friend George up ahead.

George was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he had.
Harry asked him what was going on, and George replied,
"I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government
out of a lot of money - even more than you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured
that as long as they have to be with these women, they
might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

One day Harry, George, and their two beastly women were
walking along, minding their own business when both could
have sworn that they saw their friend Wally up ahead.
This man, however, was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous
supermodel/centerfold.

Stunned, Harry and George asked him how did he managed
to get this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck
with these god-awful women. Wally replied, "I have no
idea why, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has
been absolutely the best time of my life, and I have
five years of the best sex any man could hope for to have."

Then Wally added, "There is only one thing that I can't
seem to understand. Every time after we have sex, she
rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes."

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box...

What do you do if you come across an elephant?

Say sorry and wipe it off.

How do you know if you have a hgh sperm count?

Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.