Roommates

[Saint DH]

I fucking hate my roommates. One of them was really cool at first, but as I've gotten to know him I've realized that he was simply putting on a fake persona to fool me into thinking he was cool. The other roommate I hope dies, today. I hate him more than a human being has ever hated another. I hate him more than Hitler hated the Jews. Fuck him and his whole family. From now on I'll refer to my roommates as Dylan and Kevin.

Dylan isn't too bad, but he is on a steady trend of becoming worse and worse. He's pretty much a dumbass, who likes to exaggerate things to make himself sound cool. He used to clean up, now he just adds to the destruction. He doesn't turn anything off when he leaves a room (lights, tv, ps2) nor does he know how to shut a door when he goes through it. Oh yeah, we just got him a key to the house, and he had lost it within a month. At his current status, I could stand living with him. But if certain trends continue developing, I will go insane.

Kevin is the worst human being I've ever met in my life. Not that he's a "bad" person in the way most people would think. He's not like a bad ass or anything. I mean he is the worst human being because he sucks at life. He is worthless. He never goes to class, he dirties up all of the dishes in the house and never cleans any of them. As I write this both sinks are filled with his fucking dishes. It got so bad that I went out and bought my own plate, bowl, cup, and silverware that I keep in my room so that I can use a plate when I want to use a fucking plate. The worst part about this kid is his friends that come over and basically wreck the place and clean nothing up. Sunday night him and his faggot friends were drinking outside in the car port, one of the fucks broke a glass. Monday afternoon I told Kevin to clean that shit up, Thursday afternoon it was still there, so I fucking cleaned it up. I hate this kid so much. I want to kill him. Oh yeah, he also has a rock band in the living room. They suck.

Anyways, I know this sounds like a huge rant, and it is, but the main focal point of this thread is to get any insight from people who have had similar experiences with assfucks like these. What's the best way to deal with them? I have to live with these fuckers for the remainder of the year, so I don't want to piss them off really bad. Also, Kevin is 21 and I get all of my alcohol from him. I don't turn 21 until May, so I kind of need him to like me. Any help would be great. I may just kill them.

[ October 08, 2004, 12:07 AM: Message edited by: Dirty Harry ]

[Orgazmo]

I, too, have a douchebag for a roommate. He's not as overtly shitty as your's seem to be...but he definitely can be a constant weinerass. Of course, I have to live the remainder of the year with him, so I can't be clearly mean and/or straight with him about my hate. It was this problem that led me to devote a great deal of time to thinking about the issue (dealing with my hatred without him specifically knowing about it)...and possible solutions.

I came up with a few ideas...but the one that I've actually been sticking to for the past few weeks has been what I refer to as "Silent Equalization." Silent Equalization is basically a relatively harmless way to 'even up the score'...if you will. Basically, you just need to come up with a general scale for asshole which can be applied to the roommate(s) in question. A point scale 1-10 can be used for this. Of course, rating a roommate's behavior on a douchebag scale isn't an exact science. Luckily enough, it doesn't have to be.

Once you have a general scale made up, you simply need to reflect on the shit that he has been doing. Give each dickhead action a relative point value on the scale...and, once you think you're thoroughly reflected, tally up the score.

After you figure out how much of an asshole your roommate has been, you need to figure out how much of a Silent Asshole you need to be to successfully equalize the assholism in the environment. To do this, you, once again, assign general 1-10 ratings to various things you can do to even up the score. Once you come up with a few items...and assign them basic values...you simply need to start taking these actions against the motherfucker. After you complete a task, simply deduct the douchebag score of whatever you did from your roommate's total douchebag tally. Keep doing these silent tasks until the score is zero (at which point you rest...content with everything that has unfolded).

You may be asking what exactly you should do to him. The limit is the sky, my friend. The only real rule is that the things you do to him need to fall into one of three different categories. The act must either be undetectable, untraceable, or accidental looking. Of course, you're not going to want to do too many things that look accidental...because you can still be blamed for these things. That said, the occasional accidental assholism is more than acceptable.

Once you have equalized the douchebagitude, you can simply sit back and slowly take your roommate's shenanigans...until his dickhead meter reaches a level which you can no longer stand. When this happens, you go into Secret Asshole mode yourself. Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

Now that we have the guidelines out of the way, I'll apply Silent Equalization to your situation with Kevin. As you probably already realize, my point ratings to Kevin's actions and your point ratings will probably vary. That's normal. Also, my ratings for the Equalizations will vary from your's. Again...completely normal and alright. Simply apply your own ratings and go from there.

Kevin's Sins
Dirties many dishes without cleaning: 3
Douchebag friends come over, mess shit up, don't clean: 6
Deliberately ignored askings to clean up his own mess: 7
Rock band in living room: 10
Total Cockheadery Value: 26

Now that we know how much of a fuck Kevin has been, we need to equalize his behavior. This is where your path and my path probably diverge; however, I'll include a list of my possible retaliations below.

Silent Equalization of Kevin's Sins - 26 Total Points
Piss in Kevin's applejuice: 6
Jerk off into Kevin's shoe: 8
Shave your balls with Kevin's razor: 3
Poke holes in Kevin's condoms: 9
Total: 26 - Equalization Complete.

And there you have it. I'm not saying that it's the absolute best way to deal with a shitty roommate...but it's been working very well for me. Kevin won't know that you've equalized the asshole score, but you most certainly will...and that's really all that matters.

Best of luck with everything.

<font size="1">*Just kidding about all of this.</font>

[Schroeder]

Rock band in living room: 10 &gt; Poke holes in Kevin's condoms: 9
harsh

No, I don't mean to play devil's advocate on this, but didn't you choose to live with these guys Dirty Harry?

[Schroeder]

double posters make me sick

[ October 08, 2004, 01:43 AM: Message edited by: Schroeder ]

[Saint DH]

I didn't know these guys before I moved in. My parents bought this house down here during the end of my freshmen year. These guys lived here during that year, and they wanted to live here again this year. I didn't want to kick them out of the house, and I didn't really have any options for different roommates since it was the end of the year and everyone I knew had already signed leases. Last year their band was in the basement, now it's in the fucking living room.

Good news though, my parents are telling them they have to relocate the band to another house, or at least to the basement.

[THEINCREDIBLEdork]

"Silent Equalization." Ingenious.

[Captain Lunch Box]

Do little things that will slowly drive them insaine, but don't let them know its you, start small, abit of deer piss in their cars, god that stuff smells, i was going to do that to someone, But never found out where they lived and shit its a long sory, andway, Be "Nice" And make them some pancakes or something and whack of into the mix, that would piss just about anyone off &gt;.&gt;

[underwater]

see, this is why i'm getting my own damn apartment next year and i will live by my fucking self. i can't stand sharing a living space with someone. i guess i'm too much of a "silent bitch".

[tonguegina]

There's nothing silent about it, underwater.

[underwater]

in person there is. i need to learn to speak up more often.

[Saint DH]

You can't just be extremely confrontational with people you live with. You have to live with them. If you all hate each other it will only make everything worse.

And I would never jizz into someone's pancake mix. That is just fucking weird.

[tonguegina]

A nameless co-worker of mine jizzed into the mayo when I worked at Subway. Are you saying you're better than him?

[Saint DH]

Originally posted by tonguegina:
A nameless co-worker of mine jizzed into the mayo when I worked at Subway. Are you saying you're better than him?

Yes.

[tonguegina]

Good.

[Trout Sniffer]

Originally posted by tonguegina:
A nameless co-worker of mine jizzed into the mayo when I worked at Subway.

So you saw this person jizz in the mayo, and then he served it to people in the subs? That's fucking gross.

[tonguegina]

I didn't see it. It's not like I sat back there and watched. As it goes, it was part of a bet.

[getupkids]

I am roomed with 2 other individuals, one who I cannot stand to be around for more than 3 seconds. The school year began like so. I had food, she didn't. My parents bring me approximately 75$ worth of food... I go home for one weekend... I come back. There is half a jar of peanut butter, and a gallon of water left. I figure, the girl is maybe going through a rough time... she was really hungry, who knows.. so i let it slide. Much to my dismay, it persisted for a month, until I got smart enough to keep all of my food in my bedroom. *story number 2* Two nights over one random weekend, I passed out on my friend Ann's couch. I come back to my apartment on Sunday, to find ghetto gear all over my bathroom floor (we're talking fubu pants,baby phat hat, ecko red hoodie, timberlands), hair grease all over my sink, a dirty shower, and no clean towels. There are two bathrooms in my apartment, her having her own... therefore, she allowed one of her friends to take a shower in my bathroom, and completely destroy it. *story number 3* I kindly asked her if she would clean up the hair grease out of my sink, considering i brush my teeth there... argument broke out... and then I was called a honky cracker. I thought we filled out student profiles for a reason.. and it was to get matched with people that match our personalities. They did a TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE job.

[Orgazmo]

Originally posted by getupkids:
argument broke out... and then I was called a honky cracker

I can picture this...and I'm laughing.

[Trout Sniffer]

I take it your roommate is black?

[sparklemotion]

Underwater, I haven't done anything to you to make you hate rooming with me. I'm never even there.

[ November 11, 2004, 04:31 PM: Message edited by: sparklemotion ]

[sparklemotion]

[ November 11, 2004, 04:31 PM: Message edited by: sparklemotion ]

[Saint DH]

Ohhhh shit Underwater! Busted! That was a very smart move, by the way. You are a genius. Your amazing wit...it...it amazes me. Oh man that's funny.

[ November 09, 2004, 05:52 PM: Message edited by: Dirty Harry ]

[blackbirdsjoy]

"Silent Equalization" is a beautiful technique.
My freshmen year i had fun with this method:
1)as always: RM's toothbrush scrubbed my prostrate
2) RM's beef jerky also took a tour of my sphincter while i jogged around campus, then carefully placed back in packaging.
3) Powdered lemonade was given a good shak'n...with my third leg.

[underwater]

Originally posted by sparklemotion:
Underwater, I haven't done anything to you to make you hate rooming with me. I'm never even there.

i never said i hated rooming with you specifically, so don't go jumping to conclusions.

[StabMaster Arson]

I recently took in a cohabitant... so far, so good. I'm not only her roommate, but also her landlord. She cooks, cleans, does laundry, and pays me to be here. I'm waiting for something to go terribly wrong.