Roadkilling

Not sure why the fuck some of the picture just all of a sudden stopped working. Bastards. Anyway...

Ugly Bastard and Orgazmo convened this late afternoon/early evening in hopes of coming up with an activity. With nothing a'breast, plans looked more than a little dismal. The idea of making a photo journal sounded fair. With Nubblies in the back of each members' mind, the idea of hunting roadkill was proposed by Orgazmo. Both agreed that it far out shadowed other ideas that had been fisted around, and, without much hesitation, it was made so.

On the evening of May 25, 2003, two young roadkill hunters set forth on the roads of Warsaw and adjoining Winona Lake in hopes of landing some of the best pancaked pieces of flesh that any human eye has ever graced. Following is what ensued.

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The Departure - 7:17 pm

As stated previously, the two eager hunters departed from the place of rendezvous and headed to retrieve supplies.



Fetching Supplies - 7:25 pm

The two entered a roadkill hunter's paradise, K-Mart. They both rushed to the office supply area where eyes were pealed for high-quality clipboards. Of course, one was immediately fisted from the shelves. Smiles were a'plenty when the 1.19 price tag was seen.



After picking up this prime piece, the duo moved forward in hopes of landing a tool for broad prodding. Ugly Bastard threw around the idea of netting a spatula whilst Orgazmo was more in favor of a bamboo dowel. Due to the fact that the spatula was a much better idea...and the dowels were simply nowhere to be found, the two settled with the initial proposal. Of course, the idea of picking up a nice set of tongs or a solid grilling fork was kicked around...but, with the solid state of mind always a'bundant, they realized that they were out of control.



[This message has been edited by Orgazmo (edited May 26, 2003).]

[ February 03, 2004, 02:07 PM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

The self-checkout was utilized for speed purposes (and to eliminate any possible questions that may or may not have arisen from the cashier), and the two left quickly upon their steed.



The Living Reciprocal - 7:44 pm

On a trip to a known roadkill hotspot, the two investigators stumbled upon two living specimen of vitality. Witnessing their beauty and wonder, the two could only imagine how the creatures would look dead...on the side of the road. At this moment, it was said that the ultimate goal of the trip would be to find a dead deer. Of course, neither thought that it would actually happen...but it's always nice to have goals. Without delay, they snapped a picture of said specimen.



Louie the Opossum - 7:49 pm

The roadkill hotspot immediately produced a fine piece of hardly recognizable filth, Louie the Opossum. Upon Winona Beach Drive, the once-creature was stumbled upon. At the occurrence of discovery, a few photos were snapped.


Louie used to be a fun guy. Louie was the guy that would always come up to you at the party, the guy that you wouldn't have to approach for a good laugh. Now, as you can see, he is one tractor-trailer away from
being dust.


Carelessness behind the wheel has turned this once-lovable character into a simple pile of scraps.


In honor of this creature of God, we decided that he should be raised above the gravel that took his life. The spatula was used.


After Orgazmo took a crack at honoring this fallen soldier, Ugly Bastard decided to try his hand at the lost art. He proved to be quite good at it, as he actually summoned the spirit of the creature. This is the cause of the clouding of the picture.

[This message has been edited by Orgazmo (edited May 26, 2003).]

The blood from Tyrone's ear makes clear some of his habits while still breathing. The moist ear, as always, is a strong indicator of his drug habit.


To show their disgust, the duo decided to flip Tyrone with the spatula. Everyone knows that you can't get into heaven when you are upside down. Now who's laughing, Tyrone?

Molly the Deer - 8:29 pm

After making a mockery of Tyrone's corpse, the trip continued in search of the elusive deer body. Luckily, fate was on the side of the pair on this evening, as, not long after departing from Tyrone's sepulcher, Molly was found. Molly was a reasonable wife and mother in her days alive. Unfortunately, much like Louie, her time was cut short by a wayward motorist. Much unlike Louie, Molly's fate was met on Old US 30.


Molly's dimly lit corpse shines through he dark night.


Orgazmo sends his condolences to Molly and her family through the mournful "thumbs up".


Molly's exuberant cheer & charm shows through...even in death. The way her tongue sticks out of the side of her mouth is really just a testament to how fun she was in her better days. God bless you, Molly, God bless you and your poor poor
bastard children.

[This message has been edited by Orgazmo (edited May 26, 2003).]

Tyrone the Raccoon - 8:11 pm

After the memorial at Louie's grave, the two traveled aimlessly through various hotspots. About to give up hope on their long trek down the path called Wooster Road, the eagle eye of Ugly Bastard spotted a gem. Tyrone the Raccoon was a freshly dead piece of slop. His presence on earth was clearly demonstrated by his ill-tempered positioning, as evident in the photographs.


Tyrone really had a distasteful personality. He spent his days stealing other people's bikes and selling narcotics. It really was a pleasure to see Tyrone's life slip away.

[This message has been edited by Orgazmo (edited May 26, 2003).]

The Devil's Backbone Incident - 9:17 pm - 9:38 pm

After seeing Pete, the journey continued through the treacherous stretch of road that Rufus knows well...Devil's Backbone. The two moved slowly through the turns in hopes of spotting the big one. As luck would have it, the Big One was actually found quite a few times. A second, and even third pass through was necessary to ascertain exactly what the backbone held for the hunters. After the aforementioned, the steed was parked at a farmhouse and the two continued on foot.

Tom the Unknown Species #2

Tom was found simply by the light provided from the cars passing from behind. Chance played quite a role in Tom's discovery.


Honestly...the two really have no clue what this could possibly be. The facts: It is bleeding. That's it. If you have any information as to this object's identity, please contact either of the investigators immediately.

Harry the Highway Reflector

The two really were out of control at one point in the journey. Their inability to keep a cool head coupled with the road's inability to be lit up at all left a picture of what really isn't roadkill a'tall.



Raymond the Deer

Raymond was found via the second pass through the backbone. He was one of the reasons for risking the lives of the two explorers. Perhaps it was the curvature of the road. Perhaps it was alcohol. Perhaps it was simply God's will. Whatever it may be, Raymond received the bull's horn.


Raymond lies desolate amongst his new friends: a collection of weeds.

[This message has been edited by Orgazmo (edited May 26, 2003).]

Pete the Possible Opossum (Unknown Species #1) - 8:59 pm

Moving onward, a reasonably unorganized pile of fur and bones was found on US 25. There really isn't too much to say about a guy like Pete...other than that, in his current state, he is more "dust" than "not dust."


Due to Pete's inability to hold a shape, a spatula was used to transport him to the side of the road for closer examination.


As was said previously...your guess is as good as any as to what Pete actually is...


Here are some of Pete's intestines to help you solve the puzzle.

[This message has been edited by Orgazmo (edited May 26, 2003).]

Kim the Raccoon

Kim, first thought to be a bear, turned out to be a freshly-struck raccoon. Like Raymond, she was a vital factor in the two's pilgrimage through the backbone. Kim, a well-respected politician pre-mortem has been reduced to a reasonably bloated pile of scrap. Her charm, vigor, and refusal to be submissive to the male gender all helped to make Kim's passing especially difficult for a great number of folks.


Kim, always one to smile for a photo, does her best even after death.

Doug the Splatter

There really wasn't much to Doug's poor, simple life. Alcoholism and sexual promiscuity led Doug down a very dark path.


Even in death, Doug retains his inability to keep himself together.

____________________________________________

All in all, reflection tells us that the night was a complete success. What started as quite doubtful ended as quite a piece of work.

After completing the conquest, the two made a few small errands. Because Ugly Bastard received some feminine products in the mail, he decided to seek a bit of revenge on an offending party. Let's just say that one of you may or may not find a spatula in your mailbox tomorrow morning...

-Orgazmo and Ugly Bastard

[This message has been edited by Orgazmo (edited May 26, 2003).]

[Titan]

God bless you both.
Blessinfuckeed.
I really will miss Molly... she was quite the M.I.L.F.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Orgazmo:
Orgazmo sends his condolences to Molly and her family through the mournful "thumbs up".<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Yeah, that cracked the shit out of me right there. Nice touch.

[Lethal]

Why would Ugly receive feminine products in the mail?

It looks as though you guys had quite the night. If you had to pick on piece of roadkill to be your favorite. Who would it be?

[Ugly Bastard]

I was a real big fan of Doug myself.

-Ugly Bastard

I'm in Doug's fanclub as well, and, of course, Molly was a shining star...but, believe it or not, Tyrone frosted my cupcake.

[Mantra]

What can we expect for the next photojournal?

[This message has been edited by Mantra (edited May 26, 2003).]

That's something that you're going to have to wait to see...

[StDx]

judging by the pictures of Pete the possible opossum, I'd like to shed some light. Pete is, indeed, an opossum, but not just any opossum, Pete was my friend. Pete rose from his impoverished upbringing in Warsaw's unforgiving NorthEast side to enjoy success as a door to door salesman of fine cosmetics. Before this, during his short tenure at Tippy Valley highschool I met Pete upon the soccer field. Pete played with an unmatched intesity and led his team to a close victory over us. Not wanting to party with a bunch of losers following the grueling match, I joined Pistol Pete, as he was known, and his comrades at a gala event hosted by Pete's grandmother. Soon after that party, I realized that Pete was my hetero-lifemate and we quickly became inseperable. Pete and I were together almost all the time after that. After highschool, we attended IUSB, so we rented a loft together. That loft saw the best of times between us, we'd stay up late at night mainlining drain-o and sharing taiwanese hookers... we had this little move we'd do where we'd put her on all fours and join hands over her back, we called it the bridge. Anyway, shortly after college, we slowly drifted apart. Pete ended up marrying one of those hookers and fathered 2 children, Chang and Jamal. I had always wondered how the years were treating Pete, I guess now I know. It is a sad day friends... please say a prayer for Pete.

[Pliedes]

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Orgazmo:
Let's just say that one of you may or may not find a spatula in your mailbox tomorrow morning...
<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

You know, for some odd reason, I am extremely sure that you are right.

But I myself, must say I will not be finding one...

[This message has been edited by Pliedes (edited May 26, 2003).]

[The Comedian]

This is good stuff, I'm going to Canada this summer, I'll try to find an Elk or something to put on here!!

[Ugly Bastard]

Roadkilling II: Something Smells Like Shit

Roadkilling II was held yesterday, Sunday June 15th, 2003. It was a mildly breezy, token afternoon when the two roadkill hunters set out to find some roadkill.

The two set off in the official roadkill mobile:

Both hunters seem to agree that the early 90's Taurus line seems to induce the best atmosphere for the hunting of the deceased.

The evening started off on a rather discouraging note. The hunters found several living animals, unfortunately these aren't the types of animals they hunt.






After roaming around the Greater Warsaw Region for nearly an hour without finding a single 'kill, the two start to become discouraged. It is at this point that they land their first kill...first of many.

____________________________

Joe the Opossum

Joe was one of those creatures that everyone was happy to see go. He was a true scab to society. Often seen raping little girls, Joe was the target of many a'bounty hunter in his day. After dealing with addictions to marijuana, paint thinner, and little girls in his life; no one was too sad to see him go. Pierceton Road is where the young-cunt met his death.



Joe's mouth was preparing to bite into a little girl's snatch the moment before he was fisted. Joe's legacy is a rotten one...unfortunately, it shall live on.

[Ugly Bastard]

Stetson the Opossum

Stetson was the definition of "ladies-man". When you open up your dictionary and look up "ladies-man", it is defined as "Stetson"...and visa-versa. Unfortunately for Stetson, he fucked with the wrong lady a few days ago. After picking up a fine-looking young lady at the local sewage drain, Stetson took her back to his hole to do the nasty-deed with her. After a few minutes of frolicking, Stetson went for the crotch. Upon shifting around some fur down there for a few seconds, Stetson revealed a penis on his once-thought lady friend. When Stetson looked up at the fellow male-opossum, he realized that Joe the opossum was the culprit, that bastard Joe bit his face off. After biting his face off, Joe drug his body out to Wooster Road where he left him to die. As we've seen above, Joe got his in the end, worry not.




Stetson will truly be missed. I think we all felt a twinge of pain at the passing of Stetson. His feverish desire for snatch led him to his demise, but my God did he ever get some major poon while he was still alive.

The two hunters decide to make sure Stetson's legacy lives on in photos. Each of them pose with Stetson and the spatula that helped them diagnose his murder. Due to Stetson's extreme stench, a theme that would seem to dominate the evening for the hunters, shirts had to be held over noses for these photos.

Orgazmo and Stetson (he's there, use your imagination):

Ugly Bastard and Stetson:


Ugly Bastard, realizing that urinating will make his evening much more pleasant, decides to rid Stetson's body of it's maggots.



Stetson, now properly soaked in piss, is good to go.

[Ugly Bastard]

The Double Find!

Oscar the Finch

and

Beatrice the Raccoon

Now, all readers must realize how rare it is to see two items of 'kill beside one another. The hunters were driving on Old US 30 when they saw Beatrice sitting on the side of the road, begging to be visited. The hunters were more than willing to fulfill her request.

Upon exiting the official roadkill mobile, Orgazmo nearly steps on Oscar on his way to prod Beatrice.



Oscar was a token-asshole in his life. He died prematurely, and seemingly un-noticed. He had few friends, and spent most of his time going from party to party chipping in his two-cents worth much to the annoyance of his listeners. When Oscar was found dead, no one rejoiced, and no one cried; mainly because no one gives a fuck about Oscar.

In this landmark photograph, we see both Oscar and Beatrice in their original places of death. (Oscar near the bottom, Beatrice at top)



As the hunters moved on to Beatrice, they are struck with one of the most malodorous stinches that has ever graced either of their lives. You see, Beatrice's corpse was being eaten out by thousands of mites. They were climbing into her vagina, and asshole, then exiting out of her mouth. The smell that this left nearly knocked the hunters over. Luckily, they are Pirates and were able to hold their own.

In this picture, we see Orgazmo's beaming smile hover over Beatrice's place of rest.



Ugly Bastard, about to hurl, attempts the same.



Orgazmo, being the only one brave enough to do so, gets right up by Beatrice's mouth, and photographs the mites crawling out of it. Although hard to see in this image, the hunters find countless numbers of mites crawling out of her mouth.



The circle in this photograph indicates the orphious that the mites were entering near her crotch.



Much the same in this picture, you can see a cluster of mites crawling in and out of Beatrice's mouth.



The hunters quickly exit Beatrice's location before they loose their meal, thus they were not able to examine her cause of death, or the details of the life she lived.

[ June 16, 2003, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

[Ugly Bastard]

Sheila the Splatter

The hunters stumbled upon Sheila nearly by accident. You know that girl that always flirts with everyone, and leads you on to believe that she has a thing for you, only to find out that she treats every guy like that? Yeah, that's Sheila.



Sheila never put-out. All she did was flirt. And although it is still just a theory, the hunters think that Sheila was murdered by one of the many men that were led-on by her...and rightfully so.

Orgazmo takes a peak at Sheila's putrid underside to examine what mites are eating her out.



Sheila, quite the lady, never hesitates to smell up a highway.



She won't be missed...a'tall.

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Lisa the Kitten

CAUTION: DO NOT READ THIS ANIMAL'S ENTRY IF YOU ARE ONE WHO LIKES CATS
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Lisa's legacy was nearly not remembered. She was found right outside of Big-Apple Bagel, and the hunters nearly let her go un-photographed. Ridden with guilt and sorrow, Ugly Bastard convinces Orgazmo that taking just one (or two) pictures of Lisa is not cruel, if anything...kind. The theory that the two end up reaching with Lisa is that, she is already dead, and merely photographing her is going to do nothing but help the wonderful life that she lived, press on.



You see, Lisa was the golden girl of the town in her prime. She was the captain of the cheerleading team, and soon to be valedictorian of her class. She was the smiling face that everyone knew and loved. Sadly, Lisa's life took a dismal turn when she decided that "running out in front of a moving car" would be a good idea. Poor Lisa...

What is most striking to the hunters is Lisa's location. You see, the two have come to find that roadkill is a very rare thing to see in the middle of town. Most animals dwell on the outskirts of town, away from all the hustle and bustle. Lisa was an exception to this...



Although not exposed in the above picture, the hunter's wonderful job with MS Paint clearly shows you where Lisa's end came. May her wonderful soul rest in peace.

____________________________

Brian the Bird

Brian was a sick sick bastard. He spent his days concocting small terrorist plans to do what he could to eliminate as many innocent lives as possible. Although no one could ever prove a thing, it was widely rumored that Brian often jarred his semen and then, using a needle, injected it into unopened tubes of Neosporin at Wal-Mart. This doesn't sound too fruitful until you realize that Brian was an STD Vending Machine. His semen was so potent that simply touching it would leave the finger blistered, let alone the deeper effects that it had upon a person. A twisted mastermind...that's exactly what Brian was. Fortunately for you and I, Brian's fate was met when one adolecent refused to accept the evil in the world. After having her mother killed by Brian's shenanigans, Lisa hunted the soul and ended up sending him to his death upon Old US 30. Unfortunately, as you've already read, Lisa then decided to run in front of a car. Perhaps she was affected by the semen-laden feathers of her enemy. We'll never know for sure.



Ugly Bastard, contemplates spitting on Brian, but instead, raises him from the ground for one final tribute.



Orgazmo, very excited at the sight of Brian, follows suit.



Brian will be missed by some (sick bastards), but certainly not by those who knew the little secret he hid from society. That whore...

[ June 16, 2003, 10:47 AM: Message edited by: Orgazmo ]

[Ugly Bastard]

Henry the Cat

Henry was found no more than 100 yards away from Beatrice and Oscar on Old US 30, truly a prime spot. At first, the hunters were unsure of Henry's species, but Orgazmo's keen sense of order detected feline.

As you can see in this image, red arrows indicate Henry's set of grayed whiskers, once you spot those, it's rather easy to see he is a cat.



Henry was a loving grandfather, and member of the local Lions Club. One day, while crossing the street to get the paper, he was struck by a tractor-trailer. Now, typically cats do not live through being hit by a tractor-trailer...Henry is no exception. We shall miss Henry, and all of the good that his life brought into the world.

____________________________

After another successful outing, the two dire smelling hunters decide to call it a day.

On the drive home, the two discuss the possibility of having a roadkill tournament sometime, in which members of this board are deployed out into the town to search for roadkill. When they find such roadkill, they call the hunters, and we come to the scene to photograph, and judge the find. When the game is over, all we re-conviene at a location to be disclosed later, at which point the hunters will award a winner in the hunt for roadkill.

This is still simply an idea, so don't get too jumpy.

After another wonderful evening of hunting, this is Orgazmo and Ugly Bastard signing off, until we meet again...

-Orgazmo and Ugly Bastard

[Fruitacious B]

Interesting, and all the likewise nauseating . Good work guys.

[bert]

probably one of the funniest things i've read, i bout died reading this, i couldnt help but laugh at every single story behind each one of these animals. i was unaware that so many of our friends have pasted and you guys were fortunate enough to find there bodys and tell the real story behind them.
i thank you guys and look forward to more of this

[Orgazmo]

I wouldn't call them all friends. Like the bastard, Tyrone. And that cunt with legs, Sheila. They're no friends of mine.

[buckeye]

i want in on the next roadkill hunting, that is if you're willing to add a third to the party.